N546.26K. That was my bank balance 2 years ago. It felt like everything was going to end. Swindled here and there, business almost at a standstill, raging internal storms; the depression was real.

“How did I go from so much to nothing?”

“Is your joy determined by what is in your bank account”, HE asked. 

“No Sir”, I responded. But zero - that was the amount of esteem I had. I always felt fat and unwanted.

“But Gbubemi, you're so confident. I can’t imagine you having low self-esteem.”

My extroversion was just a cover up. I'd learned while debating in school that speaking passionately helped to hide my fears.

“Chef Fregz, abeg abeg all these your foreign ingredients; we are Nigerian biko we don't eat such.”

“How many followers do you have? Shei you see what this blogger is doing?”

“Why am I not doing what that Chef is doing?”

Those words were the esteem issues and residue still fighting for a place in my mind and life.

“Gbubemi, if you are busy looking like everybody else, the people that are meant to find you will not find you." Tara Fela-Durotoye's words freed me from my tainted perceptions. 

Then HE spoke again:

“Do followers, bloggers and chefs validate you?”

“No Sir”, I responded.

This year I fully discovered my place in Christ. It gives me life. The liberated me celebrates the person God has made me to be; shortcomings, struggles with weight loss, and all. My imperfection makes me the perfect vessel. From the Italian Consulate, to cooking for Ambassadors, to headlining food festivals, my story is being rewritten.

Some months before I traveled for my Masters Degree, I had surgery for fibroids so I went with a clean bill of health. I did my Masters in corporate communications in 2009 at Aberdeen and came back to Nigeria in 2013. I thought I would get a job immediately, but nothing happened. Eventually I got one and just as I began, I started feeling bloated. I had swollen feet and assumed it was the stress of the new job but as time went on, it got worse, and the swelling got to my knees. My eyes were getting dull too. I went to Lagos University Teaching Hospital (LUTH). I was tested and it was discovered that the fibroids were back. And they were quite large. My blood pressure (BP) was extremely high and I had to start taking BP medication. The doctors also found that my blood level was below normal and were wondering how I was alive. 

I had a blood transfusion immediately and was given 3 pints of blood. I was told the fibroids would begin to affect other vital organs if I didn’t take them out immediately. I went to South Shore Women’s Clinic to get their opinion and they also told me the same thing. The challenge now was how to raise the funds for my surgery - it was over a million. All this while, I was menstruating for over 2 months. I was given drugs to stop the flow, but they didn’t work. It was discovered the positioning of the fibroids was causing it. I was able to raise the funds and had the surgery. 28 fibroids were removed. 

Recuperating wasn't funny. I was extremely skinny. Walking up the stairs was a problem and I had to sit on one side of my bum. Eventually I got better.

I was a science student in secondary school. It was a bad choice from day one. It got so bad that I had to change schools. I barely passed my WAEC secondary school leaving exam and couldn’t pass the JAMB university entrance exam. I decided to enroll in a pre-degree programme in Maths at Ogun State University. I didn’t register for any of the courses, though my fees were paid. I couldn’t write the exams, so I faked a result. My parents were too smart for that to get past them. They took me to school and discovered that I had faked it all. 

My father decided we were going to do things right, so he re-registered me for the same course. Again, I didn’t write the 1st semester exam, and faked yet another result. My dad sent my brother to school to confirm and the truth was revealed. Just before this happened, I’d read a book titled Maximum Achievement by Brian Tracy which opened my eyes. Two nights before my brother arrived at school to take me home, I sat up in bed, and asked God to help me. When we got home, my father said to me, “You’re going to have to make a decision and I’ll support your decision to pick your life up and go forward but it’s the last time I’m going to do it." I told him I wanted to return to secondary school. 

I enrolled at a popular coaching centre as an arts student. I completed a 3-year curriculum in 1-year. It was the most humbling year of my life. I wrote JAMB for the fourth time and passed. I also got the grades I wanted in my WAEC. I was accepted into the Creative Arts department to read Theatre at the University of Lagos. I’d begun to attend classes, only to find out my name was no longer on the admissions list and it had closed. I went back home and cried. I swore I was not going back to school. I felt that God had failed me. I'd done everything right this time around, but He didn’t come through. My sisters told me not to give up. 

I went back to school with my parents to see the Head of Admissions (a very grumpy man) and my name was put on the admissions list. Sometimes we judge ourselves based on abilities we don't have. I was like a fish judged by its ability to climb a tree.

My first major job was at a multinational company that sold alcohol. I made my first million when I was 25. I used to be the kind of person to take my needs before God, but now I could get whatever I wanted because I could afford it. Life seemed cool. I was excelling at work. I was in sales, so lying seemed to be the order of the day. There came a time that I struggled really hard to keep my sanity. I was doing things I would not naturally do. 

There was this girl who had liked me ever since the mandatory Nigerian national youth service. I told her nothing could happen between us. But all of a sudden things began to change and we started getting close. We started talking dirty and would send nude pictures. After a while, things that I used to consider wrong no longer seemed so bad. Going to church became just a Sunday outing. To make things worse, this particular lady was also a member of my church. When things got bad was when she told me she was pregnant. In that moment, my life flashed before my eyes. I am the only child, a product outside wedlock and my mum had huge expectations. I knew this was going to be a mess. 

Things got really bad. I lost my peace. I was not paying attention at work. I was freaking out. She said she wanted to abort, requested for 10,000 Naira, which I gave to her. After everything was done, for a long time I was in guilt. I had done the most unthinkable. I had murdered. I really identified with King David in the Bible. I entered into a state of depression. After a while, I confided in a friend (who would later become my wife). I told her all that had happened and she did not judge me. I later realised that what I had with the girl was not penetrative sex but a term called ‘grinding’. (She lied about the baby because I was naïve.) 

God was telling me that all those things that happened was so he could teach me a lesson. I was going at such a fast track without Him, that if I had gotten into real trouble, I would still not have learned. I learned the truth the hard way.

I was sexually abused from age 6 to 11 years. Most of it came from friends and family who were supposed to protect me. I never told anyone about it because I was so ashamed. What my parents were trying to protect me from had eventually happened, so I couldn’t open up to them. There were nights I would cry myself to sleep and hope & pray that by morning the pain would be gone. But, I would only wake up to a deeper pain. I remember mornings I would cry in the bathroom from pain from cleaning my genitals, then coming out and pretending that everything was perfect. I struggled with depression, rejection and anger. I was suicidal and always angry at everything and anyone who couldn't relate to the fact that I was angry at life. I wanted more than anything to see the abusers suffer, and that wasn't happening, so it made me even angrier. I thought I was the only one in the world being abused. I had so many "why me" questions for God. 

Because of all the struggles going on in my life, I came to the conclusion that I was a total failure. I didn’t want to be part of anything good or honourable because of how I saw myself. I had the mind and attitude of a failure. And I did fail at virtually everything. My abuse was an excuse for being who I chose to be. I had a choice to either play by the rules and be miserable or live a purposeful life. There was a lot of chaos in my life, then I found God. And no, my healing didn’t come immediately, but I eventually found peace. I'm in a very good place now. I am totally in love with my life. When I walk by a mirror, I smile and I breathe.

(Part 2/2) At a point in time I knew I needed something superior in my life. To be honest, I wasn’t looking for Jesus, I just needed peace by all means. Seeing my frustrations, my mum suggested I pray and read the Bible. Frustration made me heed my mum’s advice. I knelt down in my bedroom alone, and I prayed, “God help me, I need peace. I don’t even want money anymore, I just need to experience peace of mind.” Jesus showed up and gave me peace. 

That day, I read the book of Ecclesiastes five times and saw the emptiness of my life. I gave Jesus total control of my broken life and for weeks I was at home reading the Bible. I started going to church, but I still smoked Indian hemp, a parcel a day minimum. I asked God for help with overcoming my addictions and with time, my desire for drugs and alcohol faded. I felt strongly within me that God wanted me to go back to school. I went back to the same school, same faculty, same department and same course. I took up menial jobs to pay my way through school. My first business was refuse collection but that was what I had to do to survive. From there, I saved some money and went into fumigation, carrying the fumigation machine, going from house to house. It took me 12 years to complete my university education. 

No matter the challenges I faced, I refused to give up. My fulfilment does not come from achievements but from the very idea that I represent something every day.

(Part 1/2) My young life became hard when my family suffered a difficult blow to our finances. My parents sold all they had to meet our basic needs. Life became so tough and harsh that I just couldn’t adjust. I started drug dealing, drug using, doing advance fee fraud (419) and so on. By the time I got into university, I was using everything from marijuana to cocaine. I joined a cult and then my violent life began. Think of anything negative, I’ve done it. 

I was in school but I wasn’t a student. I stopped going to class and was failing every year. My nuisance value on campus became so much. Drugs messed me up so badly that I would drool saliva and not even know I was doing so until someone tapped me to tell me. My words weren’t audible too. 

2 months to my final exam I couldn’t take it anymore; everything was upside down. I left school not caring and went home. Back home, the next thing I tried to do was to get out of the country. It was the popular thing at the time. I tried so hard to get a passport but to no avail so I used a fake one. I was disappointed and lost so much money in the process. I was finally duped of all the money I had. I got tired of everything – drugs, girls and life. Nothing was working. Everything I tried to do wasn’t working.

Adesewa shares: This is a follow-up to my last post on UNFILTERED where I shared a little of an important part of my life. Thank You UNFILTERED for being a real platform for real stories. To everyone...I mean every single person who liked the post and also left a comment and even also shared their own real stories, thank you. To those who also sent me private messages, I'm super grateful. It is good that I shared the story but it is better that I say a few things about it. 

The first reason I granted the interview is because I knew it was time to share. I know a lot of times we have a story to tell, but it is usually great when you have grown to realise the fullness of it and then go on to share with an audience. Until a story is full, it won't do its work. Think about how if Jesus Christ hadn't died, I'm certain there wouldn't be any point reading the Bible because there'll be nothing to find succour in. 

The second reason I shared the story is because I know a million and one people didn't find it easy asking me, "What happened to your leg?" I'm grateful for the people who have over the years summoned the courage to ask. In a huge way, it helped me grow too. Thank you. 

I hope that through my story: 
1) Someone can understand that it is okay to have struggles but it is foolish to not want to get to a point of positive resolve even if you're still in it. 
2) Someone will appreciate the art of pushing a little further, believing that even when it looks like God isn't doing what you wanna see, you can see the bigger value you have on the inside.

In 2005, a lump was discovered in my mum’s breast. The news was shocking and my family didn’t know what to do. Before that time, I hadn’t really heard about cancer, the causes of the disease and if there was a cure. I was entirely clueless. I remember spending Christmas holiday of that same year at the hospital as my mum had just had her first operation. After the first operation, little did I know that would be the first of many to come. 

She was in America for a while and had to leave her job so she could focus on getting the best treatment. There were times she would spend months or weeks at a hospital in India. I just needed God to show up. I needed a miracle. I had so much faith and belief that she was going to get better. In the third year, she survived and was declared cancer free. 

A few months later, she had to do a mastectomy (she had previously done one). The miracle and joy I had felt dissolved into thin air. In October, 2011 my mum turned 48. My dad had just turned 50 in June and we were looking forward to celebrating her 50th in 2 years. On the 1st of October, we were at St. Nicholas Hospital. We gathered around her and all she kept asking for was her first born, her first fruit, because she wanted to share a few things with me. She was discharged a few days later, and on the 11th of October, she called my siblings and I, and prayed for us. At 11.11pm she died. 

She seemed okay before she died, because just before the end, she stopped breathing with the support of the oxygen tank and could breathe on her own. I remember her whole body being cold, just lying lifeless on the bed. I laid on her, head to head, hand to hand, leg to leg, praying for her, just to see if a miracle would happen or if something could change and she’d be fine. But this was reality. I went back to my bed that night just staring at the ceiling, hoping when I wake up everything would be a lie. But it was true, she was gone.

I have an obvious handicap. Close to my second birthday, I was playing in my neighbour’s yard. I was not at school that day because I was ill and my mum could not take me to her store. So our neighbour offered to take care of me. I was playing with the other kids. When it was lunch time, my neighbour called out to us, but she noticed I did not move. She came to pick me up and saw I had a fever and could not walk. My illness kept me out of school for a very long time. I was referred to National Orthopedic Hospital, Igbobi. Eventually, I started walking again, but one leg was shorter than the other. Growing up, I felt really different. I remember one time when my youngest sibling insulted me and said, “you with one big leg and small leg.” 

I got into Queen's College as a boarding student. I had assimilation issues, and people started calling me a dullard. Back at home, I attempted to commit suicide. I took pills from our first aid kit (an idea I got from a Nigerian movie). That night, I could not sleep and I had really hoped to die, but I did not. All that was happening affected my esteem and I started to play the victim. At some point, I decided that I no longer wanted to be pitied. I started doing daring things. I would jump over fences, jump over large gutters, not caring if I fell or hurt myself. I soon realised I could do a lot of other things. I started to improve at school. Soon, I was excelling. I wanted to be treated like any other person. 

The other day, I was coming home from work. I wanted to take a public bike into the estate where my home was, but the security guard would not let us through. I had to get down to walk. When the guard saw my leg, he apologised and insisted I go with the bike. I was really angry and left. That night I cried. I didn’t want to be pitied. I remember how I usually asked God to heal me and nothing would happen. My life is still a work in progress but today, I've come to a better place than I was before, whether people see it or not.

In 2011, I resigned from a renowned organisation to compete in Project Fame season 4. It was a miracle I got in because I had applied using my Airtel number, which was an automatic disqualification. I remember when they called they said “First of all, we are calling you on an alien line. This has never happened before. Get an MTN number and call us back.” I picked up my boss’s phone and called back and was told I had gotten in. My boss tried to discourage me from resigning, I was in my 5th month of probation. I had just one more month left before being confirmed. My job was the kind you do not resign from, they retire you. My mum would come into my room in the middle of the night to ask if I was sure this was what I really wanted to do. 

Got into Project Fame; it was a great experience though I came in eighth. Then I came back into the real world. A lot of things happened. There were so many challenges. I wasn’t getting gigs regularly. I was getting broke. My family kept on asking if I was sure this was what I wanted to do. They would tell me to go dust off my certificate and get a job. I faced a lot of disappointments, but I kept finding the strength to go on. 

Eventually, things started to pick up. I met with producers, sang a couple of songs, my songs started getting air play, I was on radio a couple of times. I did TV interviews. I started to get gigs. Things were going well. I was trying to get signed to a record label but it was not quite working out. Apparently, God had bigger plans for me. Things started happening for me that even people under record labels were coming to me for help. 

I started gaining serious recognition. I dropped a song that became really major and was getting reviews from around the world. Today, I have recorded songs with major artists, sung with international artists. I'm getting calls from people saying they want to sing with me. I can look back and say that God has been really good to me. I am totally not doing anything. It is just God's favour and how He has looked upon me with mercy.

(Part 4/4) When I came back to Nigeria, I couldn’t walk or raise my left leg. I went to the National Orthopaedic Hospital, Igbobi and was told I don’t have a ligament in my left knee. The doctor said my ligament was as thin as paper and wondered how I’d been living. It was so painful, I couldn’t move. The Sunday after that day, I went to church. The following day, I woke up and the pain was gone. I went back to Igbobi to do a test and miraculously I had a full healthy ligament. 

My promise for the year was Deuteronomy 28:6 - "I’ll be blessed in my going out and coming in." I kept telling God I would graduate this year. I wrote all my exams and passed. A week to my graduation I received a call from the school informing me that I wouldn’t be graduating because I had an F in a zero-unit course. I passed the course but they couldn’t find the result. I told my mum and she told me to pray about it. 

I went back to school on a Tuesday and on arrival at my department, I had another seizure. I started crying and told my mum that I was tired and I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her graduation or no graduation, I’m done; I didn’t want to go back to school. But my mum encouraged me. I got out of the hospital on Thursday. The school found my result on Friday at 9pm, 2 days to my graduation. I graduated in June 2016! I have been told that there is no cure for my condition and I would have to take drugs for 15 years. But I thank God for my life. 

There were so many times I thought I would die. I wanted to give up. That I made it through university is a testimony. Today, my parents call me Miracle. It is only because of God.

(Part 3/4) In 2014, in my 400 level first semester I had another seizure in my pastor’s office and was rushed to the hospital. At the hospital, I wasn’t responding and suddenly I just shut down - my heart, my lungs, every single organ shut down. I was declared dead. After 5 minutes, I woke up. Everyone was like, "Blood of Jesus! What’s going on?" I woke up and it was like nothing happened. It seemed like I was just waking up from sleep. I didn’t even know I had a seizure. I was okay. 

I had another seizure 400 level 2nd semester a day before my exam. Unfortunately, my entire 400 level was wasted. I had to redo the year. First semester, I wrote the exam. I passed and was happy. I travelled to England during the winter break and went to Saint John’s hospital to see a neurosurgeon. He picked up my left knee and hit it. He then realised I have brisk joint i.e. my knee is quick to jerk at the slightest touch. I was told that there are only 10 people in the world that have my condition called Status Epilepticus (seizure disorder). I was told that my case was the first case in Africa and I would be used as a case study. I did an EEG scan and realised that my brain was really hyperactive too. The doctor was amazed because the only people that have my condition are extremely old people or infants, so they couldn’t understand how it happened. At that point, I had done 15 CT and MRI scans in my life.

(Part 2/4) I had seizures in my 200 level that weren't too serious but when I got to my 300 level, everything came crashing down. I had a seizure that put me in a coma for 2 weeks. While in the coma, though my body wasn’t moving, my mind was active and I saw a lot of creepy things. I could see my sister’s husband in my subconscious state come to the hospital to pray for me. 

I was in the school's teaching hospital during this period. Because of how critical I was, an ICU was created for me. I had a friend who would come to see me every day. He would give me a download of what went on in class every single day, morning and night while I was in a coma. Sometimes he would read me a novel. My mum took a video and the day I saw it I cried, because it was like he was talking to a dead person. 

While in the coma I became a size 12. I was so bloated and my body kept retaining fluid. 10 litres of fluid were removed from my lungs. I couldn’t eat so I had a pipe from my nose down to my throat. I was being fed baby food. My mum kept on praying. I was also praying in my subconscious and the only word that came was Psalms 121. When I came out of the coma I had diplopia i.e. double vision, I could see like 10 images of one person. I also had bed sores and couldn’t walk anymore.

(Part 1/4) It all started on the 30th of October, 2010. I had my first seizure in my 1st year of University (100 level). I started convulsing and was rushed to the hospital but the doctors didn’t know what to do because they hadn’t seen anything like it. I had seizures 17 times in 5 minutes. Normally anyone that does that should go into a coma, but I kept going on and on. 

I was taken to Lifeline hospital at Surulere and was admitted for 5 days. I had one of the most painful procedures in the world, a lumbar puncture – where a 4 to 5-foot syringe is injected down your spine. It was extremely painful. I did the procedure 2ce. Fluid was taken from my spine and nothing was seen. I did an MRI scan and a CT scan; nothing was found. Then I got transferred to Lagoon Hospital. This happened close to my 18th birthday. 

When I started getting better I had memory loss. I didn’t know who my mum was or anyone else. I became a vegetable. I couldn’t lift my hands, I lost my sight and my speech was slurred. I was in hospital for about a month and a half. My mum had to teach me how to write, dress up, apply makeup and even walk because I couldn’t walk anymore. I also couldn’t pass out faeces for a whole month and had to pass urine through a bag. I was helpless and everything was just too much for me to handle. 

I was discharged from the hospital on the 5th of December 2010 and went back to school in 2011. I couldn’t remember anything I was taught in 100 level 1st semester. My mum suggested I stop school for a year. But I disagreed and told her I was going to read hard and pass my exams. I was reading every day from 8pm to 5am for 2 weeks, because I resumed school in 2011, 3 weeks to my exams. I'm not sure how I passed those exams.

My parents gave birth to me out of wedlock in 1983. They were never married and never did get married. My father had a reputation with women. He was sleek and good looking, but lacked self-control, which led him into a lot of trouble. Growing up, I saw these traits in myself. I remember one day when I went to see him, I was fourteen and he asked me who my babe was. I told him I had none and he said to me, “At your age I had already started doing things.” At the time, he was experiencing a lot of trouble because he had spent a lot of his money on women. I made up my mind to marry as a virgin, to have sex with only my wife. I wanted to keep myself for what God was going to do through me. I wanted a deep relationship with Him. I didn’t want anything that was going to distract me, and I knew for me, women were a distraction. 

When I was about twenty, my dad called me and sat me down. He told me this is the best advice he would ever give me. He said, “You have to be careful with women. I was always with women and I still do women but I don’t want you to walk in my footsteps.” My dad was sixty when he said this to me. Truth is, I was a lady’s man. There were so many temptations and near shades with women. It wasn’t easy, but God kept and helped me. I also had mentors like the late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya who guided me. Today, I am married and I got married as a virgin in my thirties. Obeying God was very important for my wife and I and also our testimony to our children and generations to come. We decided to keep our marriage bed undefiled. It was tough, I won’t lie, but we did it. I remember one of the things we said when we got married was, “We did it mehn, we did it!” This is to encourage someone out there who's thinking it’s not cool to get married as a virgin, especially as a man. But the truth is, as a man it’s the coolest thing to ever do.

For the better part of my childhood, I grew up with my grandparents (my dad’s parents). They had everything – a cook, a gardener, a driver etc. It was a lonely childhood. I remember the driver would take me to school and bring me back home in the afternoon. My grandparents would have gone to work, so I’d be home alone with the cook. One day, I came back from school. I was 7 years old at the time. The cook said he wasn’t going to give me food until I opened my legs for him. I was just a kid. I didn’t know what was happening, so I opened my legs; moreso I was hungry. Fortunately, he didn’t penetrate me, but he played with my genitals. This continued for a very long time. He also warned me not to say anything to anyone. Because of this experience, I started masturbating at age 7. I got into secondary school and was still masturbating. I changed schools in SS1 and I started thinking about stopping, but I just couldn’t because it had become an addiction. 

I gave my life to Christ when I was in SS3, but I surrendered completely in my 100 level at Covenant University. I remember there was this youth ministry pastor who came to preach once. He made a call for a covenant of purity. Here I was, an usher and also the financial secretary of an association in school - NUASA. I was well known but no one knew what I was struggling with. It was really tough to keep up appearances –to everyone I was spiritual, but back in my room I was masturbating. After I responded to the call for purity at the programme, I didn’t masturbate for like 2 months. I was excited, thinking I had overcome it, but somehow I fell back and then I got to my breaking point. I cried out to God to help me. I was tired. After that, I fell quite a few times, but I got back up and moved on, unlike before where I’d condemn myself and enter a shell. This went on for a while until I totally stopped. Honestly, it wasn’t by my power or might, but it was God who helped me overcome the addiction.

(PS: If you're dealing with an addiction, you may be interested in this free recovery programme: www.lifepointeng.org/addiction)

I lost my job in May 2015. I was working at an event facility for a church as an assistant to the manager. Working on the job was pretty difficult at first because I was new to hospitality and facility management. I was just branching out from Law, so I had to learn on the job. I had a difficult boss. I felt I was being under appreciated and at the same time, cheated. I started to cut corners with a colleague of mine who suggested a way we could make extra cash. I didn’t think this was wrong at that time. Amazing how the mind justifies things. This went on for about 6 months till we were found out. My colleague denied being involved and I took the blame which led to my being laid off.

This period was a really difficult one for me because the news spread fast at my place of work and at church. It was a shameful and messy experience. I had soiled God's name. My sister also received a lot of criticism because of me since we worked at the same place and this just increased the guilt I felt. I stopped going to church, I stayed away from people and my family became so worried. At night my sister would check if I was still breathing because they felt I was suicidal. People I thought would stand by my side left me. I got to my breaking point and went back to God in total surrender and I genuinely repented. God did forgive me and this is how I knew - within one month of leaving that job I got 3 job offers and it was now a dilemma of which one to pick.

Right now I am working in a larger capacity than I was in the former event centre as a manager. I never imagined God could be that kind to me and I have a boss who I genuinely love. Before she employed me I told her how I lost my job and I was completely honest, but she was not bothered with what I had done, but more interested in who I have become. The shame I went through when I lost my job was God taking me through a process of redemption. It was like He wiped off the slate and started a new chapter in my life. God did not just forgive me, He restored me and blessed me beyond my comprehension. I learnt some hard truths and lessons. No matter the mistakes you have made, there's a God who is capable of forgiving and restoring when you come to Him.